Oct 2006

My personal lord and savior? Um, no.

The other day I’m feelin awful down so I text Melissa because she’s probably the one person on the face of the planet that genuinely gets where I’m coming from on all this. I guess if I were more into psychology (okay, I majored in it in college and used it, oh, here and there and everyfreakinwhere in my 11 year career in mental heath) I might be inclined to say that I suffer from bipolar disorder. But only half the time. Hell, the manic part is GREAT! I think that’s why I’m in Utah, actually, one manic day I just said, “Hey! I know! (remember, we’re talking manic phase here, there are a lot of exclamation points!) I’ll quit my job and take off with no money and no job prospects in a 92 Chevy I got for FREE and just kinda, I don’t know, drive around and see what’s out there! That’s a great idea!” Hey, y’all are reading my blog so some part of you must see the genius here.

But… I digress. A lot. All the damn time. I’m still doing it. I just can’t stop.

So Melissa actually gets the tremendous highs and lows I go through because she’s had her own share of mood swings. Hell, the girl spent the summer before last in Wyoming, sent me a picture of her ass next to the world’s largest potato replica somewhere in Idaho. She’s also the best singer I’ve ever known and, by some accounts, I’m a lesbian. If anyone knows chick singers…

So the other day I text Melissa and tell her that I’m feeling pretty down. I don’t have a job yet, I’m getting anxious about money, I’m lonely as hell, I haven’t so much as SEEN anyone attractive since leaving New York, and she texts me back what amounts to something along the lines of (and if you can’t tell, I’m paraphrasing slightly)

Yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision
But today, well spent
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Quit bitchin.

Start livin.

Get up, get out and ride.

“Wow, Rosemary,” I text, “why have you forsaken me?”

Is that a joke? I don’t know. It’s pretty much indicative, though, of how I see the world. I’ve simply got no object constancy when it comes to people in my life. If they aren’t present, actively responding to everything I say I feel as though I’ve driven them away. Then I dive them away. I’m not sure which is more secretly appealing, indulging in the idea that no one can love me and I’ll just be abandoned or cashing in on that self-fulfilling prophesy when, exasperated, people ultimately turn away from my selfish, needy and downright transparent attempts to vie for their attention.
Stay tuned folks. PLEASE!!! OR DON'T, I DON'T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU THINK ANYWAY. No, really, I didn't mean it, what did you think of that?

I am in Salt Lake City, Utah.

In Utah, I'm staying with Sydel:

*my friend going on about 9 years,
*my freshman year R.A.,
*my POLAR FREAKIN OPPOSITE.

Sydel and I couldn't be more different:

*She likes shoes.
*And her mother.
*She believes in laser hair removal and permanant cosmetics.
*She owns red things.

I've been given my own room with

*an inflatable mattress,
*real sheets and,
*almost an entire desk.

• I am uncomfortable with this.

• I sleep on the couch.

• I fear commitment.

• I might move back into my car.

That is all I have to report on now.

So somehow I'd come into this strange idea that she’s the one for me. At least in part. At least right now. I guess I formed that conclusion based, primarily, on how hard it was to leave her and her prevalence in my thoughts. Now, anyone can tell you that patterns and addictions are just about the same thing. Once you get into a routine anything outside of your proscribed actions becomes foreign and therefore threatening. Different is the anti-same. Having settled so seamlessly into her, the thought of losing that closeness and comfort was almost unbearable. I had come to need her. I'd developed a bit of a dependence on her affection and affirmation which, when it was first offered up was, I'll admit, most sorely needed. Emboldened by this attention, I began to create new inroads into the dense and seemingly impenetrable facade of my future, inroads chosen, in part, to recreate my person as someone she might find even more desirable.

The fact that she could value my company at all seemed a small miracle, especially when viewed in concert with her intrinsic beauty, intelligence and grace. She was, simply put, one of the most amazing creatures I'd ever met. Hell, I'd known that in college. That someone so fundamentally exquisite might find something worthwhile in me invited a closer examination of my personal inventory. I found scraps of things long abandoned and forgotten, bits of other lifetimes, minor triumphs and well turned phrases and strange and humorous monologues that lasted well into the night. In her I found a confidant and in me, stories to confide. In her I found a sounding board and in me, something to say. In her I found a lover, and in me, well, something to love.

And, oh, how wonderful it felt to let her love me. The way she smoothed my hair and read to me set my soul at ease. She cared for me like a mother and laughed with me like a child and I took it all without embarrassment or shame, because it was pure and it was honest and it was real. Finally I found myself free of my power-struggles. I didn't have to be bigger or stronger or older or smarter, I could cry, I could be afraid or hurt, I could be held. With her I felt so safe. Wrapped up in her arms, her breath in my hair, mine against her neck, her heart beating beneath me, the world was so far away. All my fears were groundless in the face of her reason, and her touch.

Bolstered by this confidence, at first hers in me then, slowly, mine in myself again, a plan began to form. A plan, I think now, truest to my own nature. A plan to roam as far as I dared. A plan, simply, to go. At first I hadn't even considered the fact that going meant leaving and part of what I'd be leaving was her. I suppose I couldn't truly conceive of the magnitude of what I might do, or my feelings for her. She began to make me so happy when I was with her that the next day without her plunged me into despair. Each time we came together I almost cried with the fear it would be the last time. And I don't think it out of place to say that I have never had a comparable physical connection to anyone, at times our intimacy seemed almost transcendent, to the point that surface and sense became one in the same. I can still feel her now, all these miles away, feel each curve and jut, each arc and flex, feel the shifting terrain of her body, feel inside her, watch the shape of me engulfed by her and, at the same time, feel myself devouring her.

KIMBERLY PAULUS
Coffee Slinger (extrordinaire) *(347) 678-1999

YOU WANT TO HIRE ME BECAUSE I’M

A hard worker new to Salt Lake City with an almost irrisistable charm and some halfway decent skills in the kitchen, too.

YOU KNOW I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING BECAUSE I’VE WORKED:

At the Ash Box CaféA neighborhood coffee shop at 1154 Manhattan Ave. Brooklyn, NY. 11211
Where I slung coffee all day long, prepared espresso drinks, made eggs, sandwiches of the traditional and hot pressed variety, served salads, soups and some pretty awesome daily and weekend brunch specials.
March ’06 to October ‘06

At Rene Pujol RestaurantAn upscale French restaurant in the Theater District of Manhattan
Where I began as an apprentice, learning each station of the French Culinary Brigade. I was trained in Garde Manger, the salad, desert and cold appetizer station, then the poissonier station where I prepped, cooked and plated fish entrees. I was offered a full-time positon but decided to travel instead.
March ’06 to August ‘06

At least 11 years in the field of Mental Retardation/Developmental Disabilities. In my final job in the field I was a Coordinator of Adult Day Services with a company called QSAC (Quaility Services for the Autistic Community). Before that I was the Assistant Supervisor at two residential facilities with YAI/NIPD (Young Adult Institute/National Institute for People with Disabilities). I can give you info and references if you’d like, I just needed to get out of the field.

EDUCATION
I got my B.A. (with honors) in Psychology from Wagner College, Staten Island, New York. I double minored in Philisophy and Religion. I spent a year At California Lutheran University during my undergrad and spent a semester abroad in India, studying Buddhism through Antioch College in Ohio. I graduated in 2002.

INTERESTS
Long walks on the beach, deep conversation, finding a job.