Purpose Vs. Ambition

Today i realized I'm out here not necessarily because i want to cook. That was a thing for a bit I guess, maybe still is, the reason I'm out here though is because I don't know what I'm doing and there's nothing i want to do but nothing isn't an acceptable career goal. Annemarie's in grad school and teaching and doing all sorts of academic stuff. She said I was a product of post moderninst culture. Not only did I not quite catch her reference, I realized I didn't want to. I am not the academic. another door is shut for me. I had thought, a long time ago, that I'd make a damn good college professor. Now I wouldn't. I'm not what you'd call deep, at least not analytically, at least not anymore. Sort of sad, all that intellect and nothing to do with it. Maybe I was misdiagnosed as a child. Maybe there's nothing remarkable about me at all and I can actually live a mediocre existence and be okay with that. Then again, I suppose I'm asking these questions so I'm doomed to a life far different from even the most defectively inquisitive mongoloid. All that aside though, I would just like to point out that I've got NOTHIN goin for me. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just a wonder I've managed to come to this point.

I lack direction and that makes me sad. I've come to realize that direction and ambition go hand and hand at some points in one's life and to abandon one, one is abandoned by the other. I'm not sure I can live without purpose and waking up in Boulder, with a roof over my head and a couch under my ass an warm, dry blankets enough to keep the frostbite at bay, I was struck with one fundamental truth. I have no purpose. It's devastating. I don't know what to do today. Sure, I need to go out and find a way to make money but, beyond that? Money isn't a purpose. Any ideas? Anyone? Please?!?

The first half of this entry is taken from a terribly sleepy email I started writing last night (I nodded off writing it, as a matter of fact)